To live is like to love - all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.
Samuel Butler
1842 - 1914. American satirist, journalist and writer. In "The Devil`s Dictionary" he gave us alternate definitions to many popular words.
1. "Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. "
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Various
2. "Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."
Categories: Time and Passing
3. "Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands."
Categories: Woman and Man
4. "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
Categories: History and Nations -:- Peace and War
5. "Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Patriotism -:- Politics and Diplomacy
6. "Twice, adv. Once too often."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Various
7. "Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Success and Fame
8. "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."
Categories: Anger
9. "Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited."
source: "Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: God and Religion -:- Sin and Conscience
10. "Resign, v. A good thing to do when you are going to be kicked out."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Defeates and Mistakes
11. "Reason, vi. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire."
source: "The Devil’s Dictionary"
Categories: Intellect, Judgement
12. "Quack, n. A murderer without a license."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Health and Alcohol
13. "Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Politics and Diplomacy
14. "Politeness , n. The most acceptable hypocrisy."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Manners and Ethics
15. "Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Science and Technology
16. "Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting."
source: "Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Peace and War -:- Politics and Diplomacy
17. "Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Various
18. "Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Art and Culture
19. "Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Optimism and Hope
20. "Noise, n. A stench in the ear. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization."
Categories: Various
21. "Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Marriage
22. "Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Normality and Madness
23. "Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Love
24. "Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Science and Technology
25. "Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Freedom and Servitude -:- Reality and Imagination
26. "Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Various
27. "Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Justice -:- Law and Crime
28. "Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Youth and Age
29. "Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Wisdom and Stupidity
30. "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Intellect, Judgement
31. "Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Envy -:- Happiness
32. "Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Knowledge, Ignorance
33. "Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Egoism
34. "Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Peace and War -:- Various
35. "Custard, n. A vile concoction produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Health and Alcohol
36. "Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. "
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Richness and Money -:- Various
37. "Congratulation, n. The civility of envy."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Envy
38. "Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: God and Religion -:- Sin and Conscience
39. "Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Peace and War -:- Politics and Diplomacy
40. "Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Nature and Animals -:- Wisdom and Stupidity
41. "Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Marriage -:- Woman and Man
42. "Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Intellect, Judgement
43. "Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Egoism -:- Oration and Silence
44. "Appeal: v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Law and Crime
45. "Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Forgiveness -:- Manners and Ethics
46. "Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third."
Categories: Politics and Diplomacy
47. "Advice, n. The smallest current coin."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Various
48. "Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Egoism -:- Manners and Ethics
49. "Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Manners and Ethics
50. "Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others."
source: "The Devil's Dictionary"
Categories: Various
2007, collected and compiled by Kazimierz Matan
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