There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and their politicians as jokes.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
It's great to be great, but it's greater to be human.
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do - well, that's Memoirs.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
